TweetsonMugs https://validator.w3.org/feed/docs/rss2.html Hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle “Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff, you just worry about making friends.” ~ Cargo Shorts Shop You can say anything as long as you put the right emoji next to it And I love you like Kanye Loves Kanye #2024 My favorite unit of measurement is ‘a shit load’ If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet Blog HI Grandma, can you come pick me up from my rap battle? It’s over. No, I lost, he saw you drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are like, “Hey, I only want these crumbs ok?” and we’re all, “No you motherfucking will not!” Approaches hot blonde at supermarket. “Excuse me has anyone ever told you that you’re blocking the fucking lunchables?” Super inspired by my visit to Ikea today really amazing company…my mind is racing with the possibilities! Sometimes I get emotional over fonts! Most cutting thing you can say is, ‘Who’s that clown?’ because it implies that a) they’re a clown & b) not even one of the better known clowns Man…ninjas are kind of cool…i just don’t know any personally You have distracted from my creative process. Man……whatever happened to my antique fish tank? I wish I had a friend like me If you live to be 100 you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people..like you ate a pinecone every single day Some interesting facts I learned at the children’s museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children I won’t work with anyone too important, too good, or too traditional, to take a call at 3am Ima fix woves Are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence? It’s 1 am and I can’t stop thinking about myself I wish I could run across a beach into my own arms I no longer have a manager. I can’t be managed I need a room full of mirrors so I can be surrounded by winners. Despite the constant negative press covfefe I’m not even gon lie to you. I love me so much right now If your grave doesn’t say ‘rest in peace’ on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war. Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. Fur pillows are actually hard to sleep on …to President of the USA (on my first try) I think that would qualify as not only smart, but genius, and a very stable genius at that! Shut the fuck up and enjoy the greatness! “Do you have Coke?” No is Pepsi ok? “Do you have Updog?” No what’s Updog? “Ha ha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not ok I need this horse….Kings need horses Have you ever thought you were in love with someone but then realize you were just staring in a mirror for 20 minutes What do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I am freaking out right now tell me his exact words Our scariest president was probably Rushmore because he had 4 heads. How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that’s a carousel. I must have it! Hot dogs were in invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes into his dick-shaper machine ladies call me Subway, because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches Stop telling me your newborn’s weight and length! I don’t know what to do with that information! This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom, so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid, and she starts crying. WTF? Hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great I probably didn’t get this job Do you know where to find marble conference tables? … looking to have a conference…not until I get a table though. I’m nice at ping pong I understand that you don’t like me but I need you to understand that I don’t care Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel stupid or insecure, its not your fault.